What depression felt like to me

I think in order for me to talk about my experience about depression, I will explain to those who has not been through depression on what it felt like to me.

If I were to go through hell, I wonder if it hurt physically from the ‘fiery pits’ in hell as we all assume half as much as my depression hurt me mentally. Sometimes the pain was so much that it all became a blur so trying to recall my exact feelings are hard because I was so numb from the pain. Depression is being in a constant cycle of sadness. It is feeling worthless, hopeless, purposeless and useless. Its as if I fell in a hole and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get myself out of this dark hole. All I could hear was my own thoughts telling me that I’m not worth it and that I would be better off as dead than alive. Depression is when the pain numbs you to a point where harming your self physically was the only reminder that you are human and that your pain receptors still work. Depression is feeling guilty for being a burden to your family because you can see the pain you’re causing your family behind those blurred lenses underneath all the thoughts surrounding yourself. Depression is the voice of the devil constantly reminding you that the earth is against you and that there is not point in life because life is supposed to be a gift and not only do you feel angry for being brought into this world but also annoyed because everyone else around you seems to be grateful and happy and content with their lives. Depression makes you selfish. It makes you self aware and through all those therapy sessions and help, you learn about the person who matters to you the most. Yourself.

Depression made me selfish and its the reason why I understand myself now. Depression tried to defeat me but I battled. Depression is the monster under your bed. Depression is not an external being that you can blame. Depression is the demon inside you. Crucify it with your strength and determination.

– Nicole

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