Reflecting, Hating, Crying

God I feel so lonely right now.

It isn’t that I have no friends. Its just that I’m not busy. It’s the weekends and I finally had time to go into this dark abyss that is my brain and start feeling this feeling of loneliness. I like to be busy because once I have time to think about me, there is a high chance I end up in tears or in a less than average mood.

I hate when I’m sad because I end up questioning the happiness I feel usually. Is it just a figment of my imagination? Is it just you trying to convince yourself you’re alright? These are toxic thoughts because I know I’m getting better and better everyday. I’ve bee told by therapists that I have a great ability to reflect on my actions and act on them. I guess this sadness is a time where I am just in a state of numbness where the only thing I can feel is sadness. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to do anything at the moment. I just want to stop feeling sad become no matter how often you feel sad, you will never get used to it and you will never embrace the sadness.

 

I constantly reflect on myself. Its kinda what I do. It’s a skill I’ve acquired through this whole journey but sometimes I hate what I see. I’m not a nice person. I can be. I just don’t think I can be described as a nice person. In fact I can be so horrible and I can’t help it. I hate how I feel the need to defend myself from this stupid idea that people will be mean to me and say things to me that I fear they’ll never say by doing exactly that to other people to shield myself from possible hurt.  I hate how I’m socially awkward and use this facade that I don’t care about anyone’s feelings and say mean things just because I rather be mean than try and get to know them and face that first stage of awkwardness when meeting a person. I hate how I am so mentally scarred from my past school and the people who would say these things to me and constantly break me when they don’t even know they were doing it. They probably don’t even remember me. In fact I don’t remember much of them. I just remember their words. I can still feel the effect of them today. I hate how much those words impacted me. “you’re fat”, “you’re a bitch”, “you have no friends” “you’re dumb” “no one likes you”. One time I wore a pair of shorts I felt really reluctant to wear even though I felt good because I was scared someone would call me fat. I walked past someone and they said exactly that. “why are you wearing that, you look so fat”. It broke my heart. I was 12/13. I hate it. It’s who I am now because of those people. It made me build a wall that to some people I immediately build up. Some people its down quickly but to quite a lot of people, the wall is very much up and I don’t know how to break. But god if I could change one thing about myself it is to change myself into a nice person. I hate how I say all this now but it don’t mean I will stop being this defensive person. I’m tired how I have to react to everything. But that sucks but its who I am and I desperately want to change that.

This has been such a sad and negative post and I do apologize but I honestly have no one to talk to right now as its the weekends and this is only way I can write my thoughts down and just try and comprehend what I’m feeling by putting them into words instead of letting these thoughts swimming around in my head.

-Nicole

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